Remembering Her My Way: Navigating Life, Love, and Letting Go

I’m usually a pretty quiet guy—well, some might argue with that—but I tend to keep personal matters to myself. Lately, though, I’ve had some people asking about my mum, and I tell them honestly that she’s in a care home now and  I don’t visit as much as some might think I should, since she’s not the same person anymore in any form or fashion.  Some folks are surprised,  others totally get it.

It’s not that I don’t care; I really do. But I prefer to remember her as she was—strong, independent, an athlete, and the type to enjoy her gin and tonic (only two, no more) like clockwork starting at 6 p.m. every night.

Some might call that selfish, and maybe it is. But, for me, it’s how I manage. Visiting her is tough for me —it drains me before I even get there, and I’m still drained when I leave. I’d much rather sit with my memories, thinking of her as the dynamic woman she used to be, not the quiet, unresponsive person she’s become. I’m pretty sure she’d prefer that too.

I know I’m not the only one trying to navigate this tricky balancing act. If you’re in a similar situation, I hope sharing this lets you know it’s okay to feel conflicted, and to hold on tight to the memories of your loved one as they were.

This journey has taught me that there’s no “right” way to handle these things. You have to do what feels right for you, even if it doesn’t match up with what others expect. 

We all cope differently, and that’s part of being human. In the end, I’ll always choose to remember my mum not as she is now, but as the amazing woman she’s always been to me.